Blog 13: Don't worry, be happy

This week I got an email from my friend Naomi:

I think Joe and I may be breaking up :-(

It’s just not working… I’m gutted, but just don’t know what to do.

I feel like he’s lost interest in me, he doesn’t care what I say or want to have a conversation with me anymore. Then, he says that he doesn’t know if he can give me what I want or need.

We used to talk and make each other laugh, but now it just seems forced and if we don’t talk in “baby voices” (sorry, sick, I know!) it’s assumed that one is mad at the other..

Then, yesterday, I had to leave for work early and he wasn’t awake yet, so I left without saying goodbye. I didn’t text him all day, which isn’t like me, so when I got home he asked what’s wrong and I just snapped.

I ended up asking him “Are you happy? Am I still what you want? As I feel like I’m not”

I feel like my best friend has just gone off me.

That he doesn’t actually like me anymore and I’m not sure what to do…

:-(

Firstly, I really feel for Naomi. There’s nothing worse than falling out with someone you love, whether it’s a boyfriend, friend, family member.

When it comes to Naomi’s dilemma, I can’t pretend to be a dating guru, as my experience in this area is limited at best. But, I do know that Joe and Naomi are an awesome couple and that I wouldn’t want their fairy-tale to end here.

So, as any friend would, I’m going to try to give the best advice I can.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this is quite a common relationship scenario.

When you first start dating someone you really like you have that amazing feeling - that you’re the very best version of yourself. You can do anything and everything together.

But, when the honeymoon period ends, you start to panic.

You dig around trying to find a memory of the person you were when you first fell in love, and come to think of it, where did he go? What has happened to the feeling of endless possibilities? Where is the couple who wanted to take on the world?

Naomi and Joe have been together for well over a year now, so the honeymoon is coming to an end.  Consequently, there are a few reasons why things are getting a little down-and-out.

For a start, you’re probably now really comfortable with each other so you can say what you want. This is good because it shows your relationship has moved up a gear, but also bad; because you’re not afraid to say when the other person is doing something you don’t like.

Secondly, and more importantly, you have forgotten how to be happy without the rollercoaster of excitement you get when you first meet someone, without the ‘baby voices’, the daily texts, the lovey-dovey moments.

For some reason, I’m not sure why, but all girls crave reassurance in order to be happy. Unfortunately, boys think differently. They don’t need the same reassurance we need. Asking him if “he’s happy” or “am I still what you want?” is perfectly natural from a girls perspective, because you’re looking for reassurance.

But truthfully, deep down, you’re only asking for your own gratification, to resolve our biggest insecurities as women. You want to know how he feels about you as a mental safety net, so you can brace yourself for the worst.

Realistically, Joe probably hasn’t even thought about if he’s happy, because he doesn’t need the same reassurance women need. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but he’s a man and they focus on what-it-is, not where-it’s-going.

Men just live in the moment and women like to plan ahead.

So, am I saying Naomi should have kept her mouth shut?

No, it’s only natural for her to crave reassurance; we’re women, that’s what we do!

But ask yourself why you’re asking those questions. Is it because he’s being an idiot or because deep down you have lost the person you were at the beginning of the relationship? You’ve forgotten how to be truly happy when the relationship is no longer sky rocketing, but just cruising at a high altitude.

I could be completely wrong, this is just a suggestion, but maybe if you want to get the old you back, stop focussing so much on the ‘we’ and start looking at ‘me’.

Start by reminding yourself of all the reasons you fell in love with Joe.

Then, without asking him, write a list of all the things you think Joe fell in love with you for.

This is just a guess but it’s probably because; your funny, bubbly, chatty, cute, caring, interesting, you’re not afraid to be yourself, you have lots of friends, your determined, hardworking and clever….. the list is endless J

My point is…. when you’re a girl, it’s dangerously easy to lose the ‘you’’ in relationships.

If you want to go back to how you felt at the start of your relationship, then try doing things that get the girl that he fell in love with back. And don’t do it for him, but do it for yourself because that’s the girl you really are, not the person who is worried about the fact you didn’t text him all day.

Remembering why you fell in love, and the person YOU were when you first got together

Focussing on how to get the old you back will help YOU feel better, more confident and good about yourself….. And that is something all men (including Joe) can’t resist.  He’ll soon come running.

Write a list of things to do that get the happy bubbly Naomi back

(I’m not saying spend less time with Joe, I’m just saying do more happy things)

So let’s look at why Joe fell for you:

• Funny and bubbly: arrange a meeting with friend / friends that bring out the fun and bubbly in you.
• Chatty: ring your mum for a long chinwag, or send a long email to that friend who is travelling around the world.
• Cute: go buy a new cute outfit. It’ll always make you feel better…. hello Westfield
• Interesting: do something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t found the time yet. Visit a museum or a park.
• Be yourself:  go back home for a weekend. It’s the best way to remember your roots.
• Lots of friends: arrange a girl’s night out… any excuse for a cocktail!
• Determined: there’s nothing more self-satisfying then setting yourself a goal and then achieving it. Sign up to a 10k charity run, do the garden ready for summer, make some new cushion covers from scratch. Job done, boom.
• Hardworking: Plan 3 things you want to achieve in the work place in the next month – once you’ve achieved them treat yourself to a massage or relaxing spa day.
• Clever: find a good book or a few to get through, or learn something new.

And do all the above (you can amend the list to suit you better) because those are the things that really made you feel good before Joe was even on the scene

I honestly believe that if you put yourself in a position where you truly feel good about yourself, then the people around you feel good too.

Just don’t tell Joe you are doing this to try and win him over, do it for YOU not for him….. that’s what made you attractive in the first place!

Stop relying on a man to make you happy and remember that real happiness comes from within.

Don’t worry, just be happy

xx

Blog 12: Beware of the Angelina Jolie’s of this world….

This blog has nothing to do with the fact that Angelina stole Brad from Jen.  I am not one to judge that situation. Things happen, people change, and whilst I don’t condone it, I won’t jump to any conclusion without knowing all the facts.  (Although, naturally I’m a bigger fan of Jen!)

This blog is about a recent interview Angelina Jolie did in Marie Claire.

You can find the article I’m about to discuss here:

http://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity-lifestyle/celebrities/angelina-jolie-interview

Asked about her lack of female confidantes, Angelina says;

‘I don’t really have any girlfriends. I don’t like other girls and I don’t have time for them’

Cue my blood boiling and the following rant I am compelled to blog about….. 

We have ALL at one time or another met a girl like this.

Everybody knows an Angelina Jolie.

A few months ago some of my friend’s boyfriends went to watch a gig. We were invited but instead opted to go on a girl’s night out.

The next day a girl we know that had gone with them left this facebook status:

Nicola wants to apologise to all the girls for keeping their men out late lastnight, naughty me ;-)

Within minutes my Facebook chat lit up like Blackpool.

My girlfriends were lining up to vent, gnash and snarl over Nicola – and not for the first time.

The month before we had all been sitting in a beer garden and she’d started a game ‘I have never’ purely so she could reveal – again -  that she’d once had a threesome on holiday, masturbated this morning, and finds stocking and suspenders soooooo comfortable.

Nicola is a classic example of an Angelina Jolie.

Before I go on, let me make things clear, I’m not talking about jealously or looks, and it’s certainly not about whether I think boyfriends will stray – You shouldn’t be with a guy if you don’t trust him.

This blog is about sister solidarity, or in Angelina’s case, her lack of it.

The Angelina’s of this world are a particular type of intoxicating woman that forces other girls to get their claws out, and yet all the men seem to find her adorable.

She’s the type of girl that says things like ‘I forgot to put any underwear on today’, ‘Girls don’t seem to like me’, ‘You’re married? Why are all the good ones taken’ and ‘I always sleep naked’.

Angelina is the type of girl that hangs out in mixed groups and describes herself as ‘a bit of a tomboy’, despite spending four hours in front of a mirror before watching the rugby with the lads in the pub.

Whilst your friends will suggest to go dancing for the night, the Angelina’s of this world will suggest going to a strip club – not because Dita Von Tease is her style icon, but because she constantly feels the need to show boys how sexually liberated she is.

Whilst in the workplace, Angelina is the first person to adopt a baby voice and ask “How do I send an email on this computer?” then sit back whilst the boys swoop in to help.

The absolute giveaway that you are dealing with an Angelina is when she says ‘Women don’t like me. I don’t know why.’

What she really means is ‘I don’t like women and I want you to think they’re jealous of me’.

Unfortunately, only women can see the Angelina for what she really is.

Men think she’s sweet, misunderstood, picked on.

Women know she’s a manipulative, girl hating nightmare, who’d sleep with another girl’s boyfriend in a nano-second.

Guy’s will never get it. I’ve tried explaining an Angelina Jolie to a guy recently and his response was simply ‘why are girls so bitchy?’

Neither he or any other man will ever understand why 99% of women hate Angelina Jolie.

Highlighting her shortcomings to men only plays into her hands.

They’ll only feel sorry for her, and think less of you.

So, how do we best deal with the Angelina Jolie’s of this world?

The best policy is to smile, kindest always kills.

Know that she has the self esteem of a shrivelled prune that longs to be a grape and refuse to play her game (this will confuse the hell out of her!)

If all else fails, set her against another Angelina Jolie.

Watching two Angelina’s competing for the same attention is great car crash TV.

So sit back, watch the drama unfold with your friends and be glad you have each other…..

Because whilst the Angelina’s of this world may sometimes end up with Brad, the Jen’s of this world will always have friends!

Blog 11: He's no good but he's soooooo good

A few blogs ago I wrote that men created the spark to get girls to sleep with them.

Becky is a sucker for the spark. So much so that she has become addicted and won’t look twice at someone if the chemistry isn’t there.

I was on the phone to Becky last week having a girls catch up on all our latest gossip;

“I wish I liked him more. He’s so sweet and thoughtful. He is always on time. He calls when he says he will. And I’m not worried about being hurt this time. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted…but I just don’t want him!” she sighed.

She had been dating Neil, a data analyst, for only a few weeks.

When she first met Neil, she had just broken up with Rob, her on-and-off boyfriend of 2 years.

She was trying to move on but she was having great difficulty.

Becky’s former relationship was filled with highs and lows. She and Rob were hot and heavy one minute and not speaking to each other the next. Their chemistry was great, but their communication was not. Despite all the head butting though, Becky was deeply in love with Rob and always thought he was the one. Why they couldn’t just make it work frustrated her to no end.

Now she was dating Neil - a guy that made her feel good about herself. A man that wanted to hear her point of view and valued her opinion. Things that, over time, Rob had lost interest in.

Besides that, Neil was cute! He was tall, he was interesting, and he had these adorable dimples that came out whenever he laughed. So why wasn’t Becky feeling it?

“I keep thinking if I give it more time, I will like him more. But I just don’t get that rush of excitement like I did when I was around Rob. I don’t feel the spark,” she told me.

“Is that what you think love feels like? The spark?” I asked.

Becky wasn’t sure how to answer.

“I just know that for two years I always had butterflies with Rob” She sighed. “My heart even flutters when I think about him now! Doesn’t that mean something? Isn’t that true love?”

I paused to think about this for a minute, I knew that Rob was no good for Becky, but I also knew what it was like to fall for this chemistry.

It’s a catch 22 situation.

He’s no good, but he’s soooo good

But is this love? Is this what it’s really all about. The spark?

“No,” I told her. “Butterflies after two years of being with someone that you couldn’t get along with, does not mean it was true love.  It means it was exciting – and it was exciting because Rob was unpredictable. He would spend a whole weekend with you and then not call you for three days. You never knew when you would see or hear from him again and that is why your heart always jumped when he came around. Not because it was true love.”

“So what is love?” Becky longingly questioned.

This is a question I can put my hands up to and say I have no idea.

I do, however, believe that love means different things to different people, and in that respect it is undefinable.

But, however you choose to define it, there’s no doubt in my mind that everyone likes the feeling of falling in love.

It’s a beautiful high that carries you throughout your day. It makes average living more lively.  It turns the mundane into something remarkable. And when you come in contact with the object of your affection, the rush is nothing short of intoxicating.

We’ve all felt this way at one time or another.

But, and correct me if I’m wrong, I like to think that true love is what is left when all the excitement has died down.

When the uncomfortable silence becomes comfortable.

Excuse my naivety, I am not experienced in this area, but I believe real love doesn’t make you feel so nervous that you feel sick. I like to think that when it does happen it’ll feel like something ten times better and a lot less nauseating.

It won’t be with a Rob. And it won’t be about the spark.

I believe true love feels like home. Like a warm cozy room with a fire place.  It’s happy. It’s safe, and I like to think, it’s super comfortable. 

You probably won’t get so tongue-tied around your partner after so many years – but you’ll still feel a rush of utter happiness when they walk through the door after a long day at work.

So, am I saying that you should avoid men who create the spark on the first date?

No. The spark is good, it’s nice to be nervous at first, but it shouldn’t be a necessity. It should take second place to kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, interest.

I’m just saying you should stop chasing the Mr. Drama and start chasing the Mr. Nice Guy.

Stop being a spark junkie.

A Spark Junkie only ever chases the high that comes when you start to fall in love, and once they come down from it, they either create turmoil to get the high back, or they move on to someone else to create it all over again. They unknowingly prevent themselves from ever getting to the true love phase.

Becky has become a spark junkie, which is why she was still can’t let go over her tumultuous past relationship and fall in love with someone stable.

If a guy doesn’t give her cardiac arrest, she’s convinced it means she doesn’t like him.

The truth is that Becky, like most spark junkies, is addicted to the feeling of excitement that uncertainty brings. Not knowing if someone liked her, not knowing when they would call or want to see her again, drove Becky nuts. It made her feel extremely low. That’s why when the phone finally did ring, the high was so great. Her relationship with Rob was always in a state of flux, so the butterflies never went away, and she always assumed this meant it was love.

If, like Becky, you are still attracted to the guys who aren’t good for you because they keep you on edge, realise that you will be signing up for a stormy relationship. Yes, you will get an adrenaline rush when after three days and no texts, your phone suddenly rings. It’s exciting when you first start seeing each other, but it’ll be hell when you want any sort of serious commitment. Men that are unpredictable (my nice way of saying unreliable), don’t miraculously transform into steady dependable boyfriends. How your relationship functions right now is how it will be in the future.

Becky was so used to her roller coaster relationship with Rob, that the stable happy one she now has with Neil seems lackluster… that is until Neil breaks up with her for not appreciating him.

My advice for any spark junkies out there. Be careful chasing butterflies. The good, dependable guy in front of you isn’t boring. You are just strung out. If you need some excitement in your life, don’t get it from boys. Sign up for skydiving. It’s a lot less dangerous.

x

Blog 10: Why your best friend is better than a boyfriend...

When you first step out into the world of dating, it’s fairly easy to lose yourself in a scrambling race to meet the man of your dreams.

It’s dangerously quick to become hooked on the obsession to find your Mr Right, so much so, that before you know it, you’ve forgotten all about the relationships that really matter…. the friendships that will be there through thick and thin.

The importance of a Best Friend.  

This weekend I went to Barcelona with one of my nearest and dearest, Rachel.

I’ve known Rachel since I was 12 years old; she has seen me at my best and at my worst (dodgy home-cut fringe, 1999). I couldn’t ask for a better best friend.  And, I wouldn’t have wanted to spend our holiday with anyone else.

Of course it would have been nice to walk hand in hand with Mr Right through the narrow streets of the Barri Gotic. I’d love to be treated to a romantic picnic in Park Guell, or wander around the Museu Nacional d’Art de Catalunya whilst he read me Lorca.  But, I have many years to come to live in romantic bliss with the man of my dreams. That’s what the very distant future holds.

Now, at this age, is the only time I can prioritise what is the most important of friendships.  

Now is the only time I can run havoc on the streets of Barcelona with my partner in crime, drinking sangria till our teeth turn blue, eating enough tapas to cause a Patas Bravas famine, salsa dancing the night away in the Harlem Jazz Club with the locals,…. What happens in Espana stays in Espana…

Now is the time to enjoy singleness with the best of friends.

21 reasons why your best friend is always better than a boyfriend

                                                                                                         

1)       You can text your best friend repeatedly on a drunken night out – the next day she’ll find it hilarious.

2)       A best friend doesn’t get jealous when you chat to boys – she just joins in the fun.

3)       A bestfriend likes shopping as much as you.

4)       A best friend likes chocolate as much as you.

5)       Your best friend will always watch the latest romcom. In fact, she probably invited you to the cinema with her.

6)       Your best friend carries emergency tampons.

7)       You will have the worst arguments with your best friend (I once deleted Rachel off Facebook). You will eventually look back at these moments fondly and laugh at the stupidity.

8)       Your relationship has no use-by-date.

9)       Your best friend will never refer to you as ‘her back home’, ‘the Mrs.’, or ‘the ball and chain’.

10)   Your best friend will never tell you she needs ‘space’.

11)   You can have lots of best friends J

12)   You can comfortably wear no make up in front of your best friend.

13)   Your best friend doesn’t booty call you.

14)   Your best friend is happy to gossip about celebrities because she understands that’s how women communicate.

15)   Your parents like your best friend

16)   Your best friend can be shorter than you

17)   Your best friend understands your dilemmas about men because she has the exact same problems.

18)   You can put as many kisses on the end of a text to your best friend – she won’t ever think you’re being needy.

19)   You can borrow your best friend’s deodorant without smelling like a boy.

20)    Your best friend knows exactly how many people you’ve slept wth.

21)    When all the men have left, your best friend is still there!

Pretty awesome list!

Thanks for helping me write it Rachel x