Blog 20: In the words of Dizzee Rascal "Get away from the bar...."

Unless you’ve been living like a hermit, you’ll know that last weekend was absolutely BOILING hot.

I even have the strap marks to prove it!

Everyone loves the sunshine. Fact.

Summer dress, dove body milk tan, toe nails painted, beached-waves hair style…..

All I need now is a beer garden with a nice glass of Pimms.

‘I’ll meet you  at the bar at 1pm’ my friend had text on Saturday morning.

Now excuse me for sounding like a bit of a tart, but there’s something about the sunshine that, at much as I hate to admit it, makes even the chaviest of men look like Brad Pitt.

And so; Sunshine + Beer Garden = pretty much the best place to meet Mr Right?

It’s the ideal setting.

You want to meet a guy so you go to a place that has a variety of Y-chromosomes packed into 2000 square feet.

All single, all looking, all ready to buy you a drink and get to know you.

On paper it would seem that a bar or club is the ideal place to meet someone.

However, we all know the reality of this situation.

Just this weekend my friend met a guy in a bar.

He was tall, and cute, and had the most adorable Irish accent (Man, those accents are hard to resist!)

They talked and laughed, drank and danced , whilst I stood talking to his seemingly lifeless friend.

She was interested, he was mesmerized; so much so that I had now become engrossed in Draw Something to pass the time.

He asked for her number, she gladly obliged.

A seemingly perfect first meeting.

Until about 3 hours later when we saw him snogging the face off some other girl on the dance floor.

Yet another example of how bars and clubs are not good places to meet your next boyfriend.

“But wait a minute!!” I hear you say matter-of-factly “My bestfriend met her boyfriend in a bar and now they’re engaged. And he is lovely, smart, kind, nice, perfect boyfriend material. So meeting a boy in a bar can’t be that bad?”

Fair play. You’ve got a good point.

The truth is that yes, you can absolutely meet the love of your life at a bar or club.

Yes, that’s right, you can.

Your best friend is the living proof of it.

We just have to realise that that it’s not the venue itself that’s the problem.

It’s just the copious amounts of alcohol, the beer goggles and our ”pick me, pick me” attitudes that seem to fuck things up a little bit.

So here goes, a girls guide to meeting Mr. Right in a bar.

Firstly, timing is everything:

Remember the fairytale story Cinderella? The number one rule for that damsel in distress was to leave the ball at 12pm otherwise her carriage would turn to a pumpkin and her horse guards into rats.

Well, the same goes for guys. 

Depending on what time you are out on the scene will determine what kind of guy you are going to find once you’re there.

If you are on the prowl starting at 10 p.m. and going until three in the morning, don’t be surprised if you constantly meet flakes, drunks and professional partiers – basically horse guards that turn into Rats 

If, however, you hit the bars for happy hour (anytime between 5-10 pm) you are more likely to meet a good, quality guy.  The reason is simple.  You aren’t as drunk, which means you’re well composed and thinking logically. Suddenly the guy who’s doing a strip tease on the bar doesn’t look exactly like Channing Tatum!

The guys you meet in a bar before 10pm are the guys that make good boyfriends.

Secondly, beware of the guy who knows the world and his wife!

If you haven’t watched “How I met your Mother” then get out from under your rock and go sit in front of your TV right now. 

There’s a character in it called Barney.

Barney is the womanizing Lothario that loiters around his local bar, McClarens, scoping out the ladies, and targeting his next score.

He’s there every night (yes even before 10pm). 

He is a regular.  A fixture, if you will. 

He is also to be avoided. 

If you come across a guy that claims the bar is his second home then you should pay for your drink and be on your way, or have him pay for your drink and be on your way, either way don’t stick around and get to know him. 

Men that hang out at bars so frequently they have a regular booth are not marriage material. 

One of my friends learned this the hard way.  She met her ex-boyfriend in Yates in Bolton:

He was a regular. (How you can be attracted to a man that is a regular in Bolton Yates’ is beyond my understanding, but each to their own.)

He was there so often he was invited to their company Christmas party.

At first it seemed like fun, but there are only so many weekends you can spend in Yates - especially Yates’ in Bolton!

If she wasn’t there drinking sour apple Corkys and pitchers of Woo Woo with him, then she was at home wondering where he was (even though she knew), and fighting with him to stop going out. 

She was constantly alone, frustrated and angry.

Eventually she gave him an ultimatum: It’s me or Yates (in Bolton).

I’m still not sure how she ever got over the fact he chose Yates! (Not even a slug and lettuce) over her!

At first it could seem an attractive quality – a guy that everyone knows and is treated like royalty whenever he makes an appearance. 

He doesn’t have to wait in line to get in, gets his drinks for free, and knows the bartenders first and last names…

But this is not what you want in a boyfriend.

Finally, not all bars are the same.

Choose your venue wisely.

If you’re looking to meet Mr Right then maybe go somewhere you can have an actual conversation, and not somewhere you have to grind like dog on heat just to get an ounce of attention.

I don't want to sound like a granny, but places with loud music, smoke machines and fancy lighting tend to attract the party-going types.  Likewise, bars that are rowdy, noisy and crowded will make meeting someone all the more difficult. 

Try your local pub or a slightly quieter bar. I can’t promise you will always meet guys there, but your chances of meeting Mr. Right will be better and you will be able to weed out the creeps faster!

To sum it up, can you meet Mr Right in a bar? Absolutely yes.

But you have to know when, how and what to look for. Without the beer goggles on!

xx

Blog 19: "I love my boyfriend but I fancy someone else..... " dilemma

It had been a couple of months since I had last seen Hannah.

She had text me at lunch the day, and we arranged to meet up in the evening.

Sat in Regents Park eating our Yo! Sushi in the brisk summer sun, our catch-up conversation naturally progressed to our love lives.

For as long as I can remember (which is apparently only 3 years), Hannah has been dating Nick.

We’d all met whilst travelling and they had hit it off straight away.

At first Nick had been ‘just a good friend’ to Hannah, someone she could confide in about everything.

He was kind, thoughtful, considerate, loving, devoted, and intelligent.

Overtime, this friendship had naturally developed into something more.

“For the first year or 2 it was amazing. I adored him and thought I would marry him” Hannah explained as she dripped the soy sauce over her last bundle of rice. “We had fun, it was exciting”

In my eyes, Hannah and Nick had always been solid (solid, as a rock - to quote the song).

They had the type of comfortable love that you secretly envy.

“But for the last year or so,” Hannah continued “I’ve been feeling as if the spark with Nick has gone”.

Hannah explained that she had been reading my previous blog about the spark, and really connected with it (thank you!)

But as she discussed this ‘spark’ feeling more, I realised she had total misinterpreted something I once wrote.

“Men created the spark to get girls to sleep with them, right?” said Hannah proudly.

“But that isn’t what you and Nick have” I said with a sigh, disappointed that I may have caused her to doubt the integrity of her relationship. “What you and Nick have is much more than the spark: you had the excitement of a new relationship: the joy of getting to know someone and falling hopelessly in love”.

“Yeah, I suppose” Hannah reluctantly agreed “maybe it’s just the honeymoon phase wearing off. Or maybe he isn’t right for me?”

In the three years they had been together, this was the first time I had ever heard Hannah speak so dismissively of Nick.

She was usually so sure of herself, of them.  

Something had changed.

Cue the difficult bit……

“And there’s this guy at work, Graham” Hannah remarked sheepishly. “He’s extremely funny, puts on a bravado in the office, but is sensitive and caring deep down”.

In my dictionary bravado is just another word for total prick.

I immediately dislike this guy.

Hannah’s face began to light up as she spoke about Graham in the same way it did when she first got with Nick.

““Graham and I have opened up a lot recently. He told me he needs me in his life and that I’m quickly becoming one of his best friends”.

“Really?” I said, trying not to sound too cynical….. Pass me the sick bucket please.

“Look I know I’m with Nick” she passively remembered with a taste of guilt “but I can’t help liking this guy”

“Has anything actually happened?” I questioned feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

Hannah paused like a school child dragging her feet out of the door in the morning.

“I’ve stayed in his bed a few times” she confessed “I know I shouldn’t have, but it just sort of happened”

Now, I don’t know about you, but personally, I find it really hard to be a supportive friend when you don’t agree with what your friend is doing.

And, despite the above, Hannah is genuinely a nice person.

As a friend she is thoughtful, loving, kind.

Hurting someone is completely out of her character and would always be the last of her intentions.

“So, basically, I'm wondering what you think?” she eagerly said, with the desperate hope I’d have an answer.

“I don't want to get hurt and don't want to hurt anyone” Hannah sighed “But it's making me so miserable and I don't know what to do?”

Unfortunately, for Hannah, I don’t have an answer for this.

I’ve literally scoured the internet for suggestions.

Googled ‘what to do when you love two people at the same time’

But everyone says something different.

You could tell her that staying with Nick is the right thing to do; this is just a rough patch. He ticks all the boxes and he loves her, why give that up?

Alternatively, you could argue that if Hannah is thinking other thoughts about someone else, then clearly Nick isn’t the one for her. Especially if she has spent the night in Graham’s bed. Hannah clearly isn’t in love with Nick anymore, so she should leave him.

Two entirely different answers to Hannah’s situation yet both as perfectly justified as a take-away.

Both of these answers are subjective at best.

Why? Because love is subjective.

The way I see it, is….

When it comes to meeting Mr Right, there is no rule book.

That’s why this blog is called ’52 weeks of dating advice’ and not ’52 weeks of dating rules’

Trying to apply someone else’s rules and opinions to your own love life is like comparing olives with grapes – it’ll leave you feeling more confused and with a very bad after taste!

Each relationship is different, and you should always follow your heart.

“But what if I don’t know what my heart wants?” Hannah questioned, with the desperate hope of a firm solution.

The solution is to follow the only dating rule everyone should abide by:

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

I am not saying that Hannah is treating Nick badly.

As I said earlier, Hannah is utterly lovely and wouldn’t wish harm upon anybody.

But, in order to find the answer she wants, Hannah needs to treat Nick how she would like to be treated.

That means putting herself in Nick’s shoes.

If Nick was having feelings for someone else and started to doubt what he had with Hannah, what would she want him to do?

There’s no right or wrong answer.

“Either way the decision is going to be hard. But you need to make a tough choice and stick with it.” I told Hannah as we made our way out of the park. “Otherwise, you’ll continue being miserable.”

Personally, if it was me, I would want Nick to split up with me and I most certainly wouldn’t get with this Graham guy! He sounds more troublesome than a Kerry Katona on GMTV.

But that’s just me, what you think might be different.

Maybe you would want Nick to work at it and fix things in your relationship before you give it up.

But that’s the only advice I can give you:

Treat others how you would want to be treated.

How you interpretate that is up to you.

xx

Blog 18: Every time you make a mistake with a guy, it’s just like eating McDonalds.

It’s May; holiday season is just around the corner; and it’s only a matter of weeks before I find myself on a beach, daring to bare all in a bikini.

It’s that time of year again when we all search frantically for the diet that makes you lose the most weight as quickly as possible, with minimal amount of effort and maximum sexy-on-the-shoreline consequences.

2 days ago I started a new diet called Paleo.

The plan is to eat ‘like a caveman’ for the next 30 days - Meat, eggs, nuts, fruit and lots of veg.

We’re only 48 hours in and already I find myself dreaming about my 350-calorific hot chocolate with whipped cream on top!

So how does dieting tie into dating? I hear you ask.

Because I think there is an important dating lesson in here.

How many of you have tried to lose weight?

When was the last time you clicked on a Victoria Secrets article on the Daily Mail for envious thinspiration?

How many times have you tried the latest dieting craze, only to stumble at day number 2?

The truth is, it’s damn hard to diet.

Dieting takes a lot of effort. It’s a daily grind.

Personally, I have to try really hard to resist the 3pm urge to stuff my face with chocolate (which, rather inconveniently, doesn’t fit in with the current ‘Paleo’ plan)

Unfortunately, for most of us, in order to shed the pounds you have to apply some self-discipline.

You have to say “NO” to McDonald’s and wine, and start saying “YES” to that 30 minute gym programme.

You can’t just wake up one day, say “I think I want to be skinny” and just expect it to just happen.

So, what on earth does this have to do with dating?

Well, in the same way, just like you do with dieting, you have to make good choices daily when it comes to dating.

You can’t just wake up one morning and wish yourself into a relationship.

You have to exercise self-discipline, just like you do with dieting.

How many times have you done something stupid, like invited a guy you just started seeing to spend the night at your place? Or got a drunk text and sent him a sext back, even though he hasn’t called for 5 days? And how many times have you slept with an ex and immediately regretted it afterwards?

All these dating hiccups are just like diet slip-ups.

Every time you make a mistake with a guy, it’s just like eating a McDonalds.

It tastes great at the time, but leaves an awful sick lethargic feeling.

Of course, you can say “I shouldn’t have done that” a million times, and if dating was like dieting, you would be able to physically see the effects of your lack of will power.

You’d look down one day and realize that you can no longer see your feet.

You’d realise that you have not only failed to lose weight, but you have actually gained more baggage than when you first started.

But when it comes to dating, sadly it isn’t that easy.

You can’t see the number creeping up on the heartbreak-scales.

You can’t see the damage you are doing by not disciplining yourself to make good choices.

In fact, sometimes, you don’t even take responsibility for those mistakes.

Instead you blame men for their “lack of commitment”, or you blame “his ex”, or “your picky nature”.

Sometimes you know all the rules of the dating game. You know better than to sleep with a guy on the first date.

But somehow, when something looks good, you have trouble sticking with the program.

Remember if you want to lose weight you have to make tough decisions.

Even though you want to order the triple chocolate gateau, you get the fruit salad instead.

Even though you want to sloth on the couch at the end of the day, you drag yourself to the gym.

Sooooo apply the same principles to dating….

Even though you want to take the hot guy who has been buying you drinks all night, back home for a coffee and snuggle, don’t do it!!! Go home, ON YOUR OWN!

And even though your ex just text saying how gorgeous you are and how sorry he is for dumping you, do not accept his apology and turn up at his door!

Do whatever is necessary to insert some discipline into your temptations.

If it feels like a recipe for disaster, then it probably is. No matter how much you want it.

Remember, it’ll just leave you feeling very disappointed and (overweight too I might add.)

xx

Blog 17: Don't let Orange ruin your love life: A single girls guide to texting

7.30pm. First date. Meet outside Goodge street tube station.

11pm. We have an AWESOME night.

11.15 pm. He walks me to the tube station.

11.16pm. We kiss good night.

Midnight. Get home and retell the date to my flatmates.

12.30pm. Get into bed. Check phone. No text. No big deal. He said he’d be in touch tomorrow.

11am. The morning after. I have checked my blackberry about 25 times (which is once every 10 minutes since I woke up).

11.30pm. Still no text message.

11.45am. Keep hoping that little red light will suddenly start flashing.

12pm. Bingo! Red light is flashing. Damn. Best friend “How was the date? Smiley face”

12,15pm: He still hasn’t text me text.

12.30: Do I text him, or play by the-three-day-wait rule?

12.31pm. If he liked me he’d text, right?

12.32pm. Maybe he’s expecting me to text him?

12.33pm. Calm down it’s only been 2 days.

12.34pm. He’s probably really busy with work.

12.35pm. Maybe I should send him a little message.

12.35pm. Type “Hey had a great time last night” into phone.

12.36pm. Delete message before sending.

12.37pm. If I text him first he’ll think I’m desperate.

12.38pm. What if I text him and he didn’t text back.

12.39pm Why hasn’t he text yet?

12.40pm. Maybe he’s really busy telling everyone about our awesome date.

12.41pm. Seriously, it’s just a text.

12.42pm. It takes 2 seconds to send a text
.
12.43pm. He isn’t texting because he’s playing it cool. He’s been heartbroken in the past, he’s not rushing into things this time.

12.44pm. He’s doesn’t want to text because it will make him seem too eager.

12.45pm. Check phone again. Still no f*#king text.

12.46pm. Add him on Facebook.

1pm. Go for lunch.  A salad. I need to shape up. Left phone on desk to save myself going completely insane.

1.30pm. Back at desk. A flashing red light. Email. £5 off clothing at Tesco.

1.31pm. Still no text.

2pm. Keep myself busy at work.

2.15pm. Friend request accepted.

2.16pm. Still no text. WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN??????!!!!!

2.30pm Put phone in bag to avoid staring at it like a Buddhist monk in SMS meditation.

3pm. Google “text messages to send after first date”.

3.30pm. Email work colleague for advice.

3.45pm. Work colleague tells me to chill out and not to text.

4pm. Send text anyway “hey, how’s your day going?”

5pm-bedtime: Read my text about 100 times (at least once every 10 minutes). Maybe I should have put a kiss on the end? Or a smiley face?

3 days later: Still no text.

How many times have you heard this story before?

For the 21st century single woman, texting is a curse and a blessing. Text messages have become very much like the men who send them.  They can either make you incredibly happy or destroy your whole life.
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with friends that can be basically summed up with “He never texted me back? What should I do?”

When our mums were single ladies dating was much simpler. If a guy liked you he had to ring you.  You would have an actual conversation. If the conversation went well you would meet up again.

These days if you want to talk to a guy you have to either longingly wait for a text message or suffer the humiliation of texting him first.

And even when you actually engage into a text conversation, there’s no way of really understanding what he is thinking. Of course we can painfully dissect the grammar, the content and the punctuation, but even then a text message is still a massive cryptic black hole.

Of course texting isn’t always a tool of Satan. It does have its positives. You can edit and tweak everything before you say it. You can read a message and choose how and when to respond. You can even save conversations to reread and reanalyse (much to the frustration of your friends!)

But all in all text messages can cause more trouble than they are worth. So with Blackberry and Apple plotting against us, here are some basic principles to help you apply some logic to your SMS madness.

And remember, you’re not alone.

We’ve all fallen victim to the send button.

A single girl’s guide to texting: what does it all mean?

1. Texting a guy at 3am in the morning doesn’t show that you’re thinking of him, it just says you’re needy and having a shit night.

2. Sending multiple text messages no matter if you leave a day or two between them, will not get him to reply.

3. Telling everyone that you’ve deleted his number and then going through your orange phone bill texting every number with the same last 3 digits is not cool.

4. Sending a blank or ‘accidental’ text won’t get his attention.

5. Sending a text about a TV show he has recently liked on facebook will NOT make him think you have loads in common.

6. Sexting will never make you seem more attractive. It just makes you look desperate and easy.

7. If a guy doesn’t leave a ‘x’ on the end of a text it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, equally if he leaves ‘xxxx’ on the end, it doesn’t mean he’s in love.
8. If he’s sending a topless photo to you, he’s probably sending them to lots of other girls as well.

9. If he only texts you a 3am, it’s because you’re a booty call

10. If he doesn’t text you back at 3am, it’s because he’s got a booty call

11. Staring at your phone doesn’t mean he’ll text you back any sooner

12. If a guy hasn’t found the time to text you back, but he has had the time to have a full conversation with the leggy blonde who commented on his recent facebook status, he’s not that into you.

13. If he hasn’t text you three days after the first date, then it isn’t happening. (walk away girlfriend!)

14. A texting conversation should never be studied like a Jane Austin novel. It’s just a text.

15. Men do not think about what they are texting, why they are texting, or who they are texting. To them it really is just a text.

16. 100% of drunken text messages are regretted the next day

17. A follow up text doesn’t cure a hangover

18. Just because you deleted that drunken text message doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

19. If a guy leaves a smiley face on the end of a text it means he likes you. If he leaves a winky face he just wants sex.

20. If a guy texts you just text him back. Don’t think about it, just do it.

The cardinal rule: it’s just a text message.

Don’t let orange ruin your love life x

http://soundcloud.com/vaughan-1-1/this-is-what-crazy-looks-like

Blog 16: You can judge a book by his cover...

My friend Anna remembers very clearly the day her ex-boyfriend became ugly.

He hadn’t got fat, shaved his head, or stopped showering.

In fact, towards the end of their relationship Max had only been looking better.

Hitting the sun bed 4 days a week now instead of once.

But as Max began to meticulously mess his hair one morning, ensuring his style looked effortlessly impressive, an overwhelmingly nauseous feeling had struck Anna deep in her gut.

I don’t want to be with this man, she thought.

Anna and Max had been together for 3 years.

She first saw him out-on-the-town watching a mutual friend’s band.

He was exactly her type.

Max was standing at the bar, with all the bravado of a peacock; he had the confidence that most other guys lacked.

He was surrounded by people, each looking as if they were vying for his attention.

Naturally Anna’s competitive spirit kicked into overdrive.

I have to meet him, she instantly thought.

He was just as charming as Anna suspected.  And, as he walked her to the local taxi rank that night, she gloated at him star-struck, and thought to herself this is the one for me.

3 years later, as Max stood at the end of his bed, preening himself in the full length mirror, Anna realised she no longer saw the guy at the bar.

That tantalising image of him was long gone.

Now Anna saw a completely different person.  Hot tempered, egotistical at times, and unable (or unwilling) to do anything that didn't centre on him.

Of course Max did have his good qualities too.

He was wildly romantic and the life and soul of any party.

Everywhere he went, he went in style.

He was a smooth talker and everyone knew him.

But as Anna became more engrossed in Max’s life, she found herself becoming more like him and less like her.

No longer would she sit at home on a Friday night, cuddled up with a good movie and a glass of rose.

Max would think that was boring.

Anna stopped reading chick-lit books too, for fear that he'd criticise her choice of trashy novels.

Max would never read anything that didn't show off his vast intellect and cultural knowledge.

But the worst of it was, Max didn’t like Anna’s friends, and complained about them incessantly.

Even though they made an effort with him, Max preferred to avoid them, and often persuaded Anna to do the same.

So overtime, as Anna grew closer to her boyfriend, she grew further apart from her friends.

3 years later lying in his bed, Anna realised that what she was so attracted to physically, had never quite matched what turned her on mentally.

The guy at the bar, who knew everyone’s name, partied like a rock star, and dressed like a screen star, was not going to be the same man that wants to sit on the couch for hours on a Saturday night watching ‘The Voice’, discussing favourite pastimes and playing Scrabble.

In the months that followed, Anna tried as best as she could to change him. But she soon realised that amongst all the partying, self-indulgent splurges and arrogance, Max was being himself, and doing what he loved to do.

Anna either had to either accept that or move on.

So after endless arguments and heated feuds, they parted ways.

It had taken Anna 3 years, but she finally realised that what you are instantly attracted to isn’t necessarily what’s right for you.

Most women find themselves in Anna’s position at one time or another.

Everyone has fancied the bad boy.

I certainly have.

And after years of falling for the same type of guy I've learnt one very useful lesson:

Whilst you can’t jump to any firm conclusions, you can certainly judge a book by its cover.

And you can certainly make reasonable assumptions of one’s personality based on the outside image.

Until recently, every guy I have ever been attracted to, not only shared the same physical characteristics, but mental and emotional characteristics as well.

I now firmly believe that when it comes to dating what you see is what you get.

Seems judgmental? Yes, but when you really think about what I am saying it makes sense.

Is it really a shock to anyone that a guy who spends £200 on designer jeans is a bit more image conscious then a guy that wears Primark?

Or that the guy that makes a point of ordering Grey Goose to his VIP table gets more excited about a new club opening than your romantic night in?

The reason you are attracted to someone initially is not just about what they look like, it’s also about what you perceive them to be based on the image they are presenting you with.

At first, Anna thought Max was amazing because he was such a lotahrio, but in the end it was that attitude that she couldn’t stomach.

So if like Anna (and most other women), you constantly find yourself always ending up with the same type of guy and hitting the same brick wall in relationships, try changing that initial ‘attraction’ to the bad boys.

Whilst you will never really know someone just by looking at them, (and let me say, I encourage you to always give them benefit of the doubt at first) there are certain external characteristics that can tell you a lot about who a person is.

In Anna’s case, she was always attracted to the party-boy types. She liked men that were lothario’s because they seemed larger than life.  She was attracted to their popularity and charisma.

The problem with these party boys, however, is that they were always at the party.

Anna may be attracted to that kind of guy and the lifestyle they have at first, but at the end of the day, she has other priorities that take precedence over getting a table at the newest club.

So maybe, like Anna, you’re starting to figure out that the type of guy you are attracted to is not particularly good for you in the long run.

But can you really change what you fancy?

Isn’t that like telling yourself not to like your favourite flavour of ice-cream?

Can you really help that you like what you like?

If you ask me, I would say yes, it is possible.

How do I know? Because I have done it myself.

It isn't easy, but it is sure damn worth it.

The first thing you have to do when resetting your ‘that’s hot’ button is take a good look at the shelf life.

Ask yourself is there really longevity in this guy?

Yes, he may be cute, but imagine how he would be in a relationship.

So for instance, instead of looking at the tall dark stallion in a suit at the end of the bar who just sent a bottle of champagne over to your table, think about how many other women he has probably done this to. This man clearly just likes the chase. The charm would all be over once you were his.  Think deeper when it comes to attraction, because if he’s flashing the cash now, he’s clearly using his money as a distraction from his poor personality.

Think about the kind of guy that would make you happy in regards to being in an actual relationship.

Do you want someone smart and successful, that also puts his family and relationship with you before all else?

Then maybe the man with a girlfriend you’ve been openly flirting with isn’t for you. Instead of looking at him as a risk, a undeniable love you can’t refuse, train yourself to see him 3 years down the line. When he’s playing away from your home. If he can treat other women like that now, you’ll only worry that he can do the same to you later down the line.

Are you looking for someone who respects your opinion and values your time?

Then the guy who spends all night flirting with other women to get your attention is only going to cause more trouble in the long run. If he craves this much drama now, then he’ll probably cause world war 3 after a few months dating.  If he’s spending all his effort making you jealous now, then he will probably spend his time promoting similar ill-feelings 6 months later.

Do you want someone who is there for you through thick and thin?

Maybe the multi-millionaire workaholic isn’t for you. Instead of looking at him and seeing your fancy life style, force yourself to see a man who is so busy with work that he can’t spend time with you.

If you are trying to break your old habits of attraction, you have to out smart your heart.

You have to insert some logic into your lust.

Just looking at guy and saying “Don’t go there again, you will get hurt” won’t do the trick.

You’ll be back at his before you can even finish the sentence.

You have to start seeing a different person when you look at him.

You have to see the qualities that make him wrong for you.

At first, you’ll have to talk yourself into it, but as you keep reiterating this over and over again, it will become more natural.

Then when your perception has been rightfully set straight, you’ll finally be cured of fancying the Max, the bad boy, the partier, the high roller, and every other stereotype that is wrong for you.

If you want to find a romance novel, you’ve got to judge the book by his cover.

xx

Blog 15: Samantha Brick

You’ve probably heard about it by now: Samantha Brick’s rather deluded article entitled ‘Why women hate me for being beautiful’.

If you haven’t seen it yet, you can read about it here:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html

Whilst I completely disagree with Samantha’s self-obsessed attitude to her physique, it has reluctantly made me think about my own attitudes to beauty and looks.

Since the story broke, I’ve begun to question how obsessed we can be when it comes to our appearance; I say ‘we’ hoping that this is something all women do.

I can’t count the amount of times I’ve thought ‘If I looked like Jennifer Lopez I wouldn’t be single’, ‘If I lost a few pounds I’d be more successful’, ‘If I got £500 hair extensions I’d look more like Taylor Swift’, ‘If I buy this coat/top/dress/shoes he’ll find me irresistible’, ‘He didn’t like me because I hadn’t waxed my eyebrows / slapped on makeup / wore a really really short skirt’, ‘If I made more of an effort with my appearance I’d probably have more luck’.

In general, we pour a lot of money, time, and energy into our appearance hoping it will make us more attractive.

In general the female population is ridiculously focused on looking good.

Just a few weeks ago I spent less than 3-4 hours and £100 getting highlights.  I have to go every six to eight weeks otherwise people might realise that I’m not a natural blonde.  But that’s just the standard (Right?).

I’m not judging or saying it’s a bad thing,

I am a firm believer in the saying ‘look good, feel better’

I’ll admit I feel massively insecure if I have a bad hair day, and as a minimum, I won’t leave the house without Mascara on.

So, as much as I hate to admit it, I suppose Samantha Brick is to right about women’s attitudes to appearance.

Looks really do matter, to most (if not all) women.

But there is one thing Samantha has got very wrong (self-infatuation aside): while she, and many other women are spending so much time and energy on the outside appearance, what is happening to the inside?

When do we put time and money into making the inside of us as beautiful and interesting too?

You’ve probably heard it a million times before, but true beauty lies within.

In the long run, your personality, sense of humour and intelligence is what makes or breaks you as a person.

It is what will stay with you throughout the years.

Whilst your skin will sag, hair will thin, and metabolism will slow, the inside of you can be as attractive at 80 as it was at 25… .

Put Samantha Brick into your local nightclub on a Friday night, and pretty girls are there by the dozen. She simply blends into the crowd, like a Barbie doll on a log fire.

But what is rare, what makes a woman truly unique and beautiful, is someone that is full of personality. A woman with a wicked sense of humour. A lady that is as smart as she is sexy. A girl who is as kind as she is cute.

And so, Samantha Brick, when it comes to appearance, the best piece of advice I can give you is to spend less time trying to compete physically with all the other women in the world, and focus on what makes you different on the inside.

Any man that judges you based on your looks will only trade you for  someone hotter down the road.

What keeps a relationship strong and solid is mutual respect. And although most guys can appreciate a nice rack, it’s not enough to sustain the long haul.

What sets you apart and makes you different is what makes you the most attractive.

So in between a wax and a tan, make sure you log some time into making yourself better on the inside.

I guarantee it will pay off a lot more in the long run and you’ll feel better for it.

xx

Blog 14: Great Sexpectations!

You’ve probably heard the story before - maybe you know the feeling a little too well….

That awful sickening kick when 3 days after a one night stand you still don’t get a text message.

The utter humiliation when he blanks you in the bar the weekend after.

The paranoid realisation that he meant it when he said you were just ‘friends’.

The demoralising acceptance that to him you were just a-bit-of-fun.

Great sexpectations is when your sex and your expectations don’t live happily ever after.

Admittedly, most women have at some point in their lives experienced at least one of the above dilemmas.

Most of us walk away kicking ourselves for throwing our cards on the table too soon.

If I had a £1 for every time I’ve heard a friend say:

“I wish I hadn’t jumped into bed with him. I should have played hard to get. He’d still be interested if I wasn’t so easy”

It’s a question that plagues the mind of every actively dating 21st century woman:

How soon is too soon to sleep with a guy?

I honestly believe that there are NO SET RULES when it comes to sex.

That’s right, there’s no answer to this heavily burdened question.

I could say the obvious and tell you to wait until the 4th date / 10th date / marriage…… but you’ll only be even more disappointed when it doesn’t work out.

That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules.

Waiting until the 4th date believing that it guarantees to be any more of a relationship by the 5th date is just ridiculous.

Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. If you turn sex into a reward for good behaviour and time put-in then you’re missing the entire point! This is the 21st century after all!

You are free to do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it.

Thankfully, we live in a culture that is highly sexualized.

Where dirty dancing is no longer a certificate 15. Where ‘get your coat, you’ve pulled’ has a worryingly high success rate at 3am in Weatherspoons. And, where a guy has already seen that photo of you in a bikini on Facebook before you’ve had the first date.

As a society we’ve become much more accepting (and rightly so) of women who choose to have one night stands, experiment with different sexual lifestyles, and openly express the lust for intimacy.

“So when am I suppose to sleep with someone I fancy?” I hear you ask

I’ll say it one last time: there are NO SET RULES.

You could ask 100 different people what their thoughts are on sex and timing, and you will get 100 different answers. Some say you need to wait. Some say there's no need to wait. Some say you can only regret not sleeping with someone, while others feel regret after commitment-less sex

Basically, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

Samantha Jones of Sex and the City once said on the show: "A guy can just as easily dump you if you f*** him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth."

In my experience, he can also just as easily dump you for not sleeping with him.

Sometimes it seems as though it would just be easier if sex could be taken off the table while dating.

No pressure to have or not have it, just get to know each other until the time may be right.

Unfortunately, as most of you will have experienced, this isn't possible. (especially after a few glasses of white wine)

So am I saying that you can jump into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry…..

No, no, no, ladies!!! That’s just asking for a whole world of trouble and heartbreak.

I think there is a small group of women who can have sex without forming any emotional ties.  I’m not judging that attitude. That being said, many, many women (myself included) do get emotionally involved afterward.

In my experience, issues arise when these emotional attachments are formed, but not reciprocated by the man.

So what’s a girl to do?

You’re on a date with a cute guy who you really like and everything seems so lovey-dovey. Do I accept his invite to share a taxi home? Will he still like me tomorrow if I give in now?

Listen carefully ladies, I’ll say this once…… Sex does not mean commitment!

If you expect that sleeping with him will miraculously turn him from booty call to boyfriend, then you need to stop and save yourself the heartache.

Just because you sleep with a guy it doesn’t mean he owes you something.

So before sleeping with anyone, ask yourself what your expectations are:

Do you want a text the next day?

Are you looking for commitment?

Do you want to make-love or make-lust?

If you don’t have any expectations, then go ahead, enjoy yourself, with you head held high.

Your carefree attitude might even get you a second date.

But if, deep down, you’ll be crushed when you don’t get a text the next day; then maybe hold fire until your expectations are met first.

Take the time to figure out if he can meet these expectations, whatever they may be.

If you, like me, at the very least, expect someone to send a ‘just thinking of you’ text the next day, then allow your relationship to develop to this stage first. The stage where you get along so well, that he is a genuine friend and he is pretty much 100% certain to text.

Always be sure to ask yourself - does this man meet my expectations before I sleep with him? Or am I just sleeping with him in the desperate hope that he’ll start meeting my expectations afterwards.

It should be a question as important as have you got a condom.

If you think you know the answer and are happy with it, then have sex.

And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

You’ll probably find that you have different expectations with different men. Some you’ll expect a text from, others you’ll walk away from without a care in the world.

Either way, if you follow this ‘meet my expectations’ attitude first, then suddenly sex stops becoming a deal breaker and starts becoming an added bonus.

Great sexpectations.

It’s a philosophy and attitude rolled into one!

x