Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Blog 2: How to keep him keen (without being mean!)

Before moving to London I was in short-lived relationship with a guy I knew I was never going to marry, Adam* (name changed to keep him from hating me).

Adam was good looking, popular and lovely. But he lacked ambition and a desire to go places. For this reason, I knew we weren’t compatible. I’d always planned to move to the big city.

Why am I telling you this? Because when I announced I was moving to London, Adam told me I was ‘taking a little bit of his heart’.  We’d only been dating for two months.

Whilst I had been happy to hang out, remaining rather aloof to our summer of love, Adam had consequently fallen: truly, madly and deeply. Cue the Savage Garden song.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet. I can’t count the number of times the shoe has been on the other foot. But in the months that followed, Adam removed me on Facebook, added me again, messaged me obsessively, rang me drunkenly, did all the things we needy girls do. He really had fallen for me, and yet the feeling was not mutual. 

So, why was Adam different from other men? Why is it that the guy you’re interested in isn’t interested in you, and yet the Adams of this world are hooked?

I can only presume that Adam fell for me because I didn’t want anything from him.

The power of a relationship lies with the one who cares least.

I did have feelings for Adam. He was a lovely guy and we had some awesome dates. If I had stayed up north we might still be together.

But the truth is, Adam liked me because I didn’t want anything from him.   

So, what can we learn from this?

Next time you meet a guy you like, treat him like an Adam and he might just fall for you….. 

Below: 5 tips to keep him keen (without being mean!)

I don’t want to seem like a know-it-all. I’m not. I’ll be the first to admit that many-a-time I haven’t listened to my own advice, but it’s only left me feeling worse off.

It isn’t a game, it’s just common sense and stops you from being a tad crazy…. Just don’t tell him that you’re doing this!

1: Put yourself first
If a friend texted asking if you are free for a social drink tomorrow, would you drop all your plans to meet up with her? I didn’t think so. You’d just arrange an alternative more suitable time.

The same applies to men.

Don’t make a man your everything.

That includes going out of your way to end up in the same nightclub – I’m definitely guilty of this one.

If by some chance, this turns out to be the man you marry, then you’ll have endless days of happy marital bliss. For the meantime, enjoy being an independent single girl.

These days don’t last forever.

2. Keep yourself busy

Being busy means you’re doing stuff.

Doing stuff means you’re more interesting.

Being interesting makes you more attractive.

With the added bonus that you’ll have something to take your mind off the fact he hasn’t text you yet. Learn a new hobby, join a gym, go for dinner with friends.

Once you have a date secured in the diary, arrange to do something for the following three days with friends. Not only does this give you something interesting to talk about on your date, but it also gives you something to look forward to other than a text from him.

You might even meet Mr Right, whilst keeping yourself distracted from Mr Wrong.

3. If he texts you….. text him back (but the golden rule remains: don’t text him first)

Yes, that’s right. It’s not a typo. If he texts you, text him back!

Don’t think about it. Just text him.

Forget all the ‘rules’ that tell you to times the amount of times it took him to text you by two, or not to text back for 3 days, or wait until you get another text. These are all games. They will NOT make a man fall in love with you.  You are NOT a game player. You are an independent woman who does what she wants, when she wants.

Hopefully, if you’ve followed the previous point, you should be too busy to even notice he’s text.  And if he hasn’t text at all, or if he doesn’t text back straight away, then he’s a James. Re read my first blog. You’re always better than a James.

4. Do not look at his facebook, twitter, google his name or stare at your phone aimlessly.

Most people have FB-stalked before, whether  it’s to see if he’s as busy as he says he is, or to check out the girl who has commented on his status five times.

Personally, I refuse to delete anyone on facebook, or to block or delete a profile, since that makes you seem crazier than your intentions.

There’s a word for this conundrum. Self-discipline.

Is analysing all his facebook photo’s really going to move your ‘relationship’ along? (including the newly tagged one of the bikini girl groping him on some exotic beach)

Spend your time doing things that make YOU happy. Not wasting it doing things that drive you insane.

Set yourself a goal to not go on his facebook, twitter, bbm, EVER! It’s hard, but you’ll feel better for it. Forever is a long time, but ask yourself this……, what’s the point? It doesn’t make you feel better. It only makes you more disheartened that his profile picture is still of him and his ex girlfriend. Pfft!

5. Not every guy you meet is going to be Mr Right

Stop thinking about the result and focus on the now. Remember ‘he’s just a fucking date!’ it’s a philosophy and attitude all rolled into one. It’s the difference between expecting something to happen and being surprised when it does.

In life there are things you can change, your appearance, your weight, your mindset….. but there is one thing you cannot change and that is other people. Even when we are the coolest, best version of ourselves, someone will still say ‘not for me’.

“So, does that mean I’m supposed to spend hours getting dressed up, then pretend that I don’t care what happens, even though I secretly do?”

Yes, and you’ll be the better person for it.

Look, most guys you go out with aren’t going to be Mr Right. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. It’s just the way that life works.

You must understand that the right relationship won’t make you a crazy needy person. Next time you have those dreaded feelings of need and insecurity they should be your first clue that this is probably not the guy for you because Mr Right wouldn’t want you to feel this way.

Patience, young grass hopper, your time will come x


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