Thursday, 26 January 2012

Blog Number 4: A Girl's Guide to Facebook Stalking

In 2004 Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook - a device that, for centuries, women had longed for.

The power to find out everything about a guy, without him ever realising, at the click of a button.

The ability to do what is commonly known as ‘Facebook stalking’.

Personally I prefer to use the word Facebook snooping. It doesn’t sound as harsh. But no matter how you disguise it, stalking, snooping, having-a-nosey or just a casual quick glimpse at his profile…… it’s something every girl does.

All girls, at some point in their life, for one reason or another, have Facebook stalked.

I will hear no denials and accept no excuses - I know as well as you do, that the last time you exercised your right to stalk was within the past 24 hours.

We've all stared a little too long and a little too closely at a guy's profile and thought ''Is this weird?''

And yet, none of us can publicly admit it.

Firstly, let me set something straight, we are NOT talking about genuine psycho-stalking, okay? Not turning up in bushes outside your ex’s house, nor ‘coincidently’ finding your way to a party you weren’t really invited to… No no, this is somewhat more light hearted.

We're talking about the need to learn more about a person you know (or don't know) by reading their wall posts, information, or viewing their pictures, all anonymously. Whether you're following a crush, an ex, or even the crush of an ex, finding out someone's online presence is pretty much a relationship requirement.

We just can’t help ourselves, We like things in black and white. We like to know things. Whether it’s gossip, or just to understand men better. Facebook is a Pandora’s box of juicy details.

So if we’re going to do it, if we just can’t help ourselves, let’s at least set
some basic standards ladies.

Let’s not go overboard, or become an actual stalker. Let’s not get to the point where you have to block him as a self-enforced restraining order.

If you’re going to stalk, at least do it with some dignity and save yourself the embarrassment.

Let’s set ourselves a few cardinal rules to online stalking that prevent you going OTT.

So here it is. The reason you clicked on this blog. The online guide to Facebook stalking.

Firstly, before reading these rules, I’d like to firmly establish that I am not guilty of all of this. (so please don’t rush to de-friend me) .

It has all come from open discussions with friends, work colleagues and, in some cases, real life examples I’ve noted on newsfeeds.

Read it, cringe, and then acknowledge that we’re all guilty of it in one way or another.

Facebook stalking: the rules

1)  Don’t snoop on someone if they haven’t actually friended you.

This is just weird. It’s like creeping around in someone’s house when they haven’t invited you in. If you can notice a profile picture has changed and you’re not even their friend, then you’re probably guilty of this.

Just accept that they have made their profile private for a reason. Yes, it’s a massive inconvenience. Yes, you have to make-do with just that little small photo box as the only glimpse into their real life. But staring at it aimlessly will not give you any more information. Please, step away from the computer.

2) Never publicly admit that you know someone’s wardrobe better than them….

Have you ever been in a bar and the guy you’ve got a crush on just happens to walk in. You casually wander over to say hi, and before you can stop yourself you remark “Oh I love that top, you’ve been wearing it a lot recently”. Only you haven’t seen him for 2 months.


What you actually mean is you’ve been staring at his chest far too much and he’s wearing that top in his most recently tagged photo’s. Never. Ever. Ever. Admit this. It will freak him out.

3) The wall to wall button was created to tease us….. Do yourself a favour, never click on it.

Resist the temptation to over analyse an entire conversation you were never part of in the first place. It only leaves you hating the other person more.

Yes, they are talking, yes they are flirting, yes he seems perfectly capable of responding to her wall posts, yet he still hasn’t found the time to respond to your text.

Spending hours trying to work out the psychology behind each punctuation mark isn’t going to put your mind at rest. Even if they do seem comfortable putting ‘xxx’ at the end of each comment.

4) Do not like the same pages someone else likes, just so that they think you have lots in common.

Call me old fashioned, but before you do this, try having an actual conversation on an actual date. It’s a much more realistic way to assess your compatibility.

5) Never poke someone, or fall for someone who pokes you

If a guy pokes you it just means he wants to sleep with you.

If you poke him back it means you either a) want the same or b) you have A.D.D.

6) It is not normal if you find yourself staying up until 3am to see how many ‘new facebook friends’ he adds on his night out. (or logging on first thing in the morning to do pretty much the same thing). 

I’m not even going to explain this one. It is not normal behaviour. You need to stop and get a life.

Write a list of things to do, and every time you feel compelled to check his page, spend your time doing something on the list instead. ….. You’re probably going to need a lot of paper and a whole box of pens if your Facebook stalking is this bad!

7) Do not ‘like’ his status just so that he gets a notification with your name in it.

Admittedly, there’s some satisfaction in knowing that a boy is thinking of you. But forcing him to do it, seriously, that’s just desperate.

Equally as bad is deliberately writing a status in the hope that he might comment on it.

Facebook status: ‘Last night was so amazing, met some fitties!’

Trust me, unless you’re dating an idiot, he will see through this game. And is jealousy really the reaction you want to promote?

8) Do not read too much into his reactions.

By all means, post a really hot picture which took several hours to craft, but looks effortlessly natural.

Yes, he will probably like it. That does NOT mean he wants to be your boyfriend. It’s just his way of saying ‘yeah, I’d tap that’.

9) You can’t judge a Facebook by its cover

Just because he has a photo of him and his nan doesn’t mean he’s a nice guy. Equally, just because there’s a photo of him and a pretty blonde, doesn’t mean he’s cheating.

Facebook is only going to give you a superficial version of a person. How much are you really going to ascertain about him online, especially whether or not he's a Mr Right?

Just because you see him hugging a puppy, it doesn't mean that he's your knight in shining armour. Honestly, he put up those pictures up because it made him look good. Ever seen someone put up pictures of him slaughtering cattle or standing in front of a bunch of whips and chains?

10) Finally, do not have more of a relationship with Facebook than you do in real life.

Do you find yourself looking at old secondary school classmates and wondering how on earth their relationship status says engaged? Why does the girl, who had a moustache before she hit puberty, seem perfectly capable of attracting the opposite sex and yet you are still single?

It’s probably because she goes out. She does stuff. Unlike you, she isn’t sat looking at everyone else’s life go by and wondering why you haven’t got one.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop stalking your ex and wondering what could have been?

Don’t forget you have real friends, not just Facebook friends. Arrange a night out with them. Then upload your photos. Before you know it, your life will be so interesting that someone might even be stalking you!

So ladies, (and some men) now you’ve read this blog and had a chance to digest the rules. Go ahead and stalk away.

Be happy with the acknowledgement that it is something we all do. You are not alone.

But remember, there’s a fine line between Facebook stalking and being a full on psycho. Don’t cross it.


  1. Nice work on your blog! You need this video though... hilarious!

    1. Brilliant! I was going to post this, but it's a bit too long.

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