Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Blog 11: He's no good but he's soooooo good


A few blogs ago I wrote that men created the spark to get girls to sleep with them.
Becky is a sucker for the spark. So much so that she has become addicted and won’t look twice at someone if the chemistry isn’t there.
I was on the phone to Becky last week having a girls catch up on all our latest gossip;
“I wish I liked him more. He’s so sweet and thoughtful. He is always on time. He calls when he says he will. And I’m not worried about being hurt this time. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted…but I just don’t want him!” she sighed.
She had been dating Neil, a data analyst, for only a few weeks.
When she first met Neil, she had just broken up with Rob, her on-and-off boyfriend of 2 years.
She was trying to move on but she was having great difficulty.
Becky’s former relationship was filled with highs and lows. She and Rob were hot and heavy one minute and not speaking to each other the next. Their chemistry was great, but their communication was not. Despite all the head butting though, Becky was deeply in love with Rob and always thought he was the one. Why they couldn’t just make it work frustrated her to no end.
Now she was dating Neil - a guy that made her feel good about herself. A man that wanted to hear her point of view and valued her opinion. Things that, over time, Rob had lost interest in.
Besides that, Neil was cute! He was tall, he was interesting, and he had these adorable dimples that came out whenever he laughed. So why wasn’t Becky feeling it?
“I keep thinking if I give it more time, I will like him more. But I just don’t get that rush of excitement like I did when I was around Rob. I don’t feel the spark,” she told me.
“Is that what you think love feels like? The spark?” I asked.
Becky wasn’t sure how to answer.
“I just know that for two years I always had butterflies with Rob” She sighed. “My heart even flutters when I think about him now! Doesn’t that mean something? Isn’t that true love?”
I paused to think about this for a minute, I knew that Rob was no good for Becky, but I also knew what it was like to fall for this chemistry.
It’s a catch 22 situation.
He’s no good, but he’s soooo good
But is this love? Is this what it’s really all about. The spark?
“No,” I told her. “Butterflies after two years of being with someone that you couldn’t get along with, does not mean it was true love.  It means it was exciting – and it was exciting because Rob was unpredictable. He would spend a whole weekend with you and then not call you for three days. You never knew when you would see or hear from him again and that is why your heart always jumped when he came around. Not because it was true love.”
“So what is love?” Becky longingly questioned.
This is a question I can put my hands up to and say I have no idea.
I do, however, believe that love means different things to different people, and in that respect it is undefinable.
But, however you choose to define it, there’s no doubt in my mind that everyone likes the feeling of falling in love.
It’s a beautiful high that carries you throughout your day. It makes average living more lively.  It turns the mundane into something remarkable. And when you come in contact with the object of your affection, the rush is nothing short of intoxicating.
We’ve all felt this way at one time or another.
But, and correct me if I’m wrong, I like to think that true love is what is left when all the excitement has died down.
When the uncomfortable silence becomes comfortable.
Excuse my naivety, I am not experienced in this area, but I believe real love doesn’t make you feel so nervous that you feel sick. I like to think that when it does happen it’ll feel like something ten times better and a lot less nauseating.
It won’t be with a Rob. And it won’t be about the spark.
I believe true love feels like home. Like a warm cozy room with a fire place.  It’s happy. It’s safe, and I like to think, it’s super comfortable. 
You probably won’t get so tongue-tied around your partner after so many years – but you’ll still feel a rush of utter happiness when they walk through the door after a long day at work.
So, am I saying that you should avoid men who create the spark on the first date?
No. The spark is good, it’s nice to be nervous at first, but it shouldn’t be a necessity. It should take second place to kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, interest.
I’m just saying you should stop chasing the Mr. Drama and start chasing the Mr. Nice Guy.
Stop being a spark junkie.
A Spark Junkie only ever chases the high that comes when you start to fall in love, and once they come down from it, they either create turmoil to get the high back, or they move on to someone else to create it all over again. They unknowingly prevent themselves from ever getting to the true love phase.
Becky has become a spark junkie, which is why she was still can’t let go over her tumultuous past relationship and fall in love with someone stable.
If a guy doesn’t give her cardiac arrest, she’s convinced it means she doesn’t like him.
The truth is that Becky, like most spark junkies, is addicted to the feeling of excitement that uncertainty brings. Not knowing if someone liked her, not knowing when they would call or want to see her again, drove Becky nuts. It made her feel extremely low. That’s why when the phone finally did ring, the high was so great. Her relationship with Rob was always in a state of flux, so the butterflies never went away, and she always assumed this meant it was love.
If, like Becky, you are still attracted to the guys who aren’t good for you because they keep you on edge, realise that you will be signing up for a stormy relationship. Yes, you will get an adrenaline rush when after three days and no texts, your phone suddenly rings. It’s exciting when you first start seeing each other, but it’ll be hell when you want any sort of serious commitment. Men that are unpredictable (my nice way of saying unreliable), don’t miraculously transform into steady dependable boyfriends. How your relationship functions right now is how it will be in the future.
Becky was so used to her roller coaster relationship with Rob, that the stable happy one she now has with Neil seems lackluster… that is until Neil breaks up with her for not appreciating him.
My advice for any spark junkies out there. Be careful chasing butterflies. The good, dependable guy in front of you isn’t boring. You are just strung out. If you need some excitement in your life, don’t get it from boys. Sign up for skydiving. It’s a lot less dangerous.

x

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