You’ve probably heard the story before - maybe you know the feeling a little too well….
That awful sickening kick when 3 days after a one night stand you still don’t get a text message.
The utter humiliation when he blanks you in the bar the weekend after.
The paranoid realisation that he meant it when he said you were just ‘friends’.
The demoralising acceptance that to him you were just a-bit-of-fun.
Great sexpectations is when your sex and your expectations don’t live happily ever after.
Admittedly, most women have at some point in their lives experienced at least one of the above dilemmas.
Most of us walk away kicking ourselves for throwing our cards on the table too soon.
If I had a £1 for every time I’ve heard a friend say:
“I wish I hadn’t jumped into bed with him. I should have played hard to get. He’d still be interested if I wasn’t so easy”
It’s a question that plagues the mind of every actively dating 21st century woman:
How soon is too soon to sleep with a guy?
I honestly believe that there are NO SET RULES when it comes to sex.
That’s right, there’s no answer to this heavily burdened question.
I could say the obvious and tell you to wait until the 4th date / 10th date / marriage…… but you’ll only be even more disappointed when it doesn’t work out.
That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules.
Waiting until the 4th date believing that it guarantees to be any more of a relationship by the 5th date is just ridiculous.
Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. If you turn sex into a reward for good behaviour and time put-in then you’re missing the entire point! This is the 21st century after all!
You are free to do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it.
Thankfully, we live in a culture that is highly sexualized.
Where dirty dancing is no longer a certificate 15. Where ‘get your coat, you’ve pulled’ has a worryingly high success rate at 3am in Weatherspoons. And, where a guy has already seen that photo of you in a bikini on Facebook before you’ve had the first date.
As a society we’ve become much more accepting (and rightly so) of women who choose to have one night stands, experiment with different sexual lifestyles, and openly express the lust for intimacy.
“So when am I suppose to sleep with someone I fancy?” I hear you ask
I’ll say it one last time: there are NO SET RULES.
You could ask 100 different people what their thoughts are on sex and timing, and you will get 100 different answers. Some say you need to wait. Some say there's no need to wait. Some say you can only regret not sleeping with someone, while others feel regret after commitment-less sex
Basically, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
Samantha Jones of Sex and the City once said on the show: "A guy can just as easily dump you if you f*** him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth."
In my experience, he can also just as easily dump you for not sleeping with him.
Sometimes it seems as though it would just be easier if sex could be taken off the table while dating.
No pressure to have or not have it, just get to know each other until the time may be right.
Unfortunately, as most of you will have experienced, this isn't possible. (especially after a few glasses of white wine)
So am I saying that you can jump into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry…..
No, no, no, ladies!!! That’s just asking for a whole world of trouble and heartbreak.
I think there is a small group of women who can have sex without forming any emotional ties. I’m not judging that attitude. That being said, many, many women (myself included) do get emotionally involved afterward.
In my experience, issues arise when these emotional attachments are formed, but not reciprocated by the man.
So what’s a girl to do?
You’re on a date with a cute guy who you really like and everything seems so lovey-dovey. Do I accept his invite to share a taxi home? Will he still like me tomorrow if I give in now?
Listen carefully ladies, I’ll say this once…… Sex does not mean commitment!
If you expect that sleeping with him will miraculously turn him from booty call to boyfriend, then you need to stop and save yourself the heartache.
Just because you sleep with a guy it doesn’t mean he owes you something.
So before sleeping with anyone, ask yourself what your expectations are:
Do you want a text the next day?
Are you looking for commitment?
Do you want to make-love or make-lust?
If you don’t have any expectations, then go ahead, enjoy yourself, with you head held high.
Your carefree attitude might even get you a second date.
But if, deep down, you’ll be crushed when you don’t get a text the next day; then maybe hold fire until your expectations are met first.
Take the time to figure out if he can meet these expectations, whatever they may be.
If you, like me, at the very least, expect someone to send a ‘just thinking of you’ text the next day, then allow your relationship to develop to this stage first. The stage where you get along so well, that he is a genuine friend and he is pretty much 100% certain to text.
Always be sure to ask yourself - does this man meet my expectations before I sleep with him? Or am I just sleeping with him in the desperate hope that he’ll start meeting my expectations afterwards.
It should be a question as important as have you got a condom.
If you think you know the answer and are happy with it, then have sex.
And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.
You’ll probably find that you have different expectations with different men. Some you’ll expect a text from, others you’ll walk away from without a care in the world.
Either way, if you follow this ‘meet my expectations’ attitude first, then suddenly sex stops becoming a deal breaker and starts becoming an added bonus.
It’s a philosophy and attitude rolled into one!