Monday, 30 April 2012

Blog 17: Don't let Orange ruin your love life: A single girls guide to texting

7.30pm. First date. Meet outside Goodge street tube station.

11pm. We have an AWESOME night.

11.15 pm. He walks me to the tube station.

11.16pm. We kiss good night.

Midnight. Get home and retell the date to my flatmates.

12.30pm. Get into bed. Check phone. No text. No big deal. He said he’d be in touch tomorrow.

11am. The morning after. I have checked my blackberry about 25 times (which is once every 10 minutes since I woke up).

11.30pm. Still no text message.

11.45am. Keep hoping that little red light will suddenly start flashing.

12pm. Bingo! Red light is flashing. Damn. Best friend “How was the date? Smiley face”

12,15pm: He still hasn’t text me text.

12.30: Do I text him, or play by the-three-day-wait rule?

12.31pm. If he liked me he’d text, right?

12.32pm. Maybe he’s expecting me to text him?

12.33pm. Calm down it’s only been 2 days.

12.34pm. He’s probably really busy with work.

12.35pm. Maybe I should send him a little message.

12.35pm. Type “Hey had a great time last night” into phone.

12.36pm. Delete message before sending.

12.37pm. If I text him first he’ll think I’m desperate.

12.38pm. What if I text him and he didn’t text back.

12.39pm Why hasn’t he text yet?

12.40pm. Maybe he’s really busy telling everyone about our awesome date.

12.41pm. Seriously, it’s just a text.

12.42pm. It takes 2 seconds to send a text
12.43pm. He isn’t texting because he’s playing it cool. He’s been heartbroken in the past, he’s not rushing into things this time.

12.44pm. He’s doesn’t want to text because it will make him seem too eager.

12.45pm. Check phone again. Still no f*#king text.

12.46pm. Add him on Facebook.

1pm. Go for lunch.  A salad. I need to shape up. Left phone on desk to save myself going completely insane.

1.30pm. Back at desk. A flashing red light. Email. £5 off clothing at Tesco.

1.31pm. Still no text.

2pm. Keep myself busy at work.

2.15pm. Friend request accepted.

2.16pm. Still no text. WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN??????!!!!!

2.30pm Put phone in bag to avoid staring at it like a Buddhist monk in SMS meditation.

3pm. Google “text messages to send after first date”.

3.30pm. Email work colleague for advice.

3.45pm. Work colleague tells me to chill out and not to text.

4pm. Send text anyway “hey, how’s your day going?”

5pm-bedtime: Read my text about 100 times (at least once every 10 minutes). Maybe I should have put a kiss on the end? Or a smiley face?

3 days later: Still no text.

How many times have you heard this story before?

For the 21st century single woman, texting is a curse and a blessing. Text messages have become very much like the men who send them.  They can either make you incredibly happy or destroy your whole life.
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with friends that can be basically summed up with “He never texted me back? What should I do?”

When our mums were single ladies dating was much simpler. If a guy liked you he had to ring you.  You would have an actual conversation. If the conversation went well you would meet up again.

These days if you want to talk to a guy you have to either longingly wait for a text message or suffer the humiliation of texting him first.

And even when you actually engage into a text conversation, there’s no way of really understanding what he is thinking. Of course we can painfully dissect the grammar, the content and the punctuation, but even then a text message is still a massive cryptic black hole.

Of course texting isn’t always a tool of Satan. It does have its positives. You can edit and tweak everything before you say it. You can read a message and choose how and when to respond. You can even save conversations to reread and reanalyse (much to the frustration of your friends!)

But all in all text messages can cause more trouble than they are worth. So with Blackberry and Apple plotting against us, here are some basic principles to help you apply some logic to your SMS madness.

And remember, you’re not alone.

We’ve all fallen victim to the send button.

A single girl’s guide to texting: what does it all mean?

1. Texting a guy at 3am in the morning doesn’t show that you’re thinking of him, it just says you’re needy and having a shit night.

2. Sending multiple text messages no matter if you leave a day or two between them, will not get him to reply.

3. Telling everyone that you’ve deleted his number and then going through your orange phone bill texting every number with the same last 3 digits is not cool.

4. Sending a blank or ‘accidental’ text won’t get his attention.

5. Sending a text about a TV show he has recently liked on facebook will NOT make him think you have loads in common.

6. Sexting will never make you seem more attractive. It just makes you look desperate and easy.

7. If a guy doesn’t leave a ‘x’ on the end of a text it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, equally if he leaves ‘xxxx’ on the end, it doesn’t mean he’s in love.
8. If he’s sending a topless photo to you, he’s probably sending them to lots of other girls as well.

9. If he only texts you a 3am, it’s because you’re a booty call

10. If he doesn’t text you back at 3am, it’s because he’s got a booty call

11. Staring at your phone doesn’t mean he’ll text you back any sooner

12. If a guy hasn’t found the time to text you back, but he has had the time to have a full conversation with the leggy blonde who commented on his recent facebook status, he’s not that into you.

13. If he hasn’t text you three days after the first date, then it isn’t happening. (walk away girlfriend!)

14. A texting conversation should never be studied like a Jane Austin novel. It’s just a text.

15. Men do not think about what they are texting, why they are texting, or who they are texting. To them it really is just a text.

16. 100% of drunken text messages are regretted the next day

17. A follow up text doesn’t cure a hangover

18. Just because you deleted that drunken text message doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

19. If a guy leaves a smiley face on the end of a text it means he likes you. If he leaves a winky face he just wants sex.

20. If a guy texts you just text him back. Don’t think about it, just do it.

The cardinal rule: it’s just a text message.

Don’t let orange ruin your love life x


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